dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
