Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
