I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
