So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
