getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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