i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
