Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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