I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
