god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize