listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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