god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
