I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize