I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
