Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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