I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
