somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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