I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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