Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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