Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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