I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
