so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
