I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
