She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
