The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize