I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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