this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
