I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
