i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize