so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
