I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
