Your mouth is God's brothel.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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