PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Randomize
