just tell him i said nine months
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
