This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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