He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
