Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
