i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
