You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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