he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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