I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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