I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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