I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this beer tastes like vomit already
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
