Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
