And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I will pee on everything he values.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
