Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize