She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
