I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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