I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
