If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
