she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
