How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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