final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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