I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize