I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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