I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
