end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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