I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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