haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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