I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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