i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
