I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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