it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
