Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
