had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
