Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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