cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
