I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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