My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize