In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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