I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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