Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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