i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
